I wonder if this will affect their CAFE ratings?

NASA ANNOUNCES REPLACEMENT FOR SPACE SHUTTLE (PrT) Washington, D.C.

In a surprise announcement by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) a new replacement for the Space Shuttle was revealed.

Despite the competition for private entities announced by the United States government for a replacement for the Shuttle, the final choice was created in a partnership between the government and General Motors during the period that the automotive giant was partly owned by Washington during its bailout.

The new Earth/space re-entry vehicle will be equipped with heated and cooled leather upholstered seats, a Sportshift automatic transmission, a special premium Bang & Olufsen stereo system, leather interior with cherry panelling, and a built-in GPS system.

Proving once again that the lowest common denominator is pretty low

FAX EXPANDING TV LINE-UP (PrT) Hollywood

Fax has announced a replacement for their new TV series line-up. Due to the poor audience reviews of its religious crime drama, Parson of Interest is being replaced in the same time slot with a game show where contestants have to play a series of drinking games to win the grand prize. The Biggest Boozer joins Baiowolf and the popular returning program Joanie Loves Tchotchke.

Evidently full of historically accurate material! Sounds like a hit to me!

NEW ADDITION TO UPCOMING TV PROGRAMMING LINE-UP (PrT) Hollywood

In order to cash in on the still growing popularity of the supra-natural, Fax has come up with what promises to be a new trend setter for evening television.

While audiences have been eating up all manner of programs based on the paranormal or on mythical, heroic figures, there has lately been a movement away from the old popular favourites of zombies and vampires.

In an attempt to create a new element in the genre, Fax has announced the release of a new, edgier form of the CSI-style series by combining it with the supernatural. The new series, staring Scott Baio, will be about a jaded Big City detective who was bitten by a werewolf while on holiday in Transylvania, who, due to his transformation during the full moon, must quit his job and become a crime fighting crusader at night. Baiowolf is set to premiere in the 9 o’clock time slot after the hit series “Joanie Loves Tchotchke.”

volume! Volume!! VOLUME!!!!!!!!!

SNAKE SKIN RECYCLER OPENS DOWNTOWN (PrT) Sharp Rock Portage, ON

Sharp Rock Portage Council today welcomed the opening of the Snake Skin Recycling Centre in the downtown today. When asked if she thought that the business would be a success, owner Ophidia Serpentes said, “Oh, yesss, indeed. We already have contractsss lined up from many sssourcesss acrosss North America and ssome partsss of Europe. In thisss bussinesss, even though the marginsss are quite ssmall, you can be very ssuccessssful with a ssufficiently high volume. You ssee, it’sss all about economiesss of sscale.”

Circumstances did not allow for the customary shave and haircut, however.

CONTROVERSIAL RMS TITANIC SHEET MUSIC SOLD (PrT) Halifax, NS

A piece of sheet music was sold today in Halifax, Nova Scotia to a private collector for an undisclosed sum.

The single page of notes is one of the few pieces of RMS Titanic memorabilia still in private hands. The music is controversial, as it had belonged to the Abigail Northampton, daughter of the lead tenor of the barbershop quartet, “The Sons of Liverpool Barbershop Quartet,” Montague Crumple, whose troupe allegedly sang during the sinking of the famous ship. Their role in calming the passengers is often overshadowed by the ship’s string ensemble, which were providing the same function and were said to have played the hymn “Nearer, My God, to Thee.” However, being closer to the water on the sinking liner, the quartet perished before the ensemble, meaning fewer survivors heard their courageous efforts.

The song on the sheet music believed to have been sung by The Sons of Liverpool Barbershop Quartet, “Nearer, I Shave to Thee,” is thought to have been purchased for over $12 000.

Fuelled by Tim Hortons coffee/hydrogen cells

FORD AND TIM HORTONS TO CREATE FLYING CAR (PrT) Oakville, ON

The Ford Motor Company and Tim Hortons have announced that they are collaborating to create the world’s first mass-produced flying car.

Tim Hortons, having bought the patent and plans for the Avrocar, which was a formerly top secret venture between Canada and the United States military to develop a high speed, high altitude fighter aircraft, approached Ford Canada to create a joint venture production facility. Tim Hortons believes that Ford has sufficiently high technical expertise to develop the project using modern technologies unavailable during the late 1950s, when the original concept was explored.

Like the Avrocar, the new flying car will be doughnut shaped in order to take advantage of the Coandă effect for flight. The initial flying car will be used for Tim Horton product deliveries for on-the-go customers who do not wish to take advantage of Tim Horton drive-thru hotels. Customers will be able to order before leaving their home using their Tim Hortons delivery app equipped smart phones, and the Tim Hortons doughnut shaped delivery drones (similar in concept to the green bomb delivery drones being developed by Al-Qaeda) will meet the customer en-route with their order.

Shortly after the Tim Horton delivery drones come into production, Ford will release their larger, two and four seat doughnut shaped flying car model, which will be named the “Torus.”

They later placed first overall

FIRE BRIGADE BAND CRUCIAL IN RESCUE (PrT) Abegweit Passage, PE

According to reports from the operator, Strait Crossing Bridge Limited (SCBL), a serious traffic accident occurred at the mid-point of the Confederation Bridge. The bridge, which has been in operation since 1997, is the 12.8 km long permanent all weather link between the island province and the rest of Canada over the Abegweit Passage between Borden-Carleton, Prince Edward Island and Cape Jourimain, New Brunswick.

At approximately 13:13 local time the trailer being towed behind the tour bus belonging to the Touak Fiord Barbershop Quartet and Singing Pizza Delivery Service, who were on their way to the Prince Edward Island Barbershop Quartet and Singing Food Delivery Service Invitational, blew both its left had side tires simultaneously. This caused the trailer, loaded with the Touak Fiord Barbershop Quartet’s pizza making supplies, to collide with a tractor-trailer load of prime PEI frozen fish and chips in the west-bound lane, spilling the contents of both trailers onto the bridge. Immediately after this collision occurred, a bus load of Japanese Anne of Green Gables impersonators, who were en route to the island for the Annual Anne of Green Gables Impersonator Gala, ran into the mess on the Island-bound lane of the bridge, while in the west-bound lane, a bus load of touring adult film actors became trapped in the morass caused by the spilled food (Prince Edward Island is the North American pornographic film making capital ever since the War of Johnson’s Penis).

With good great fortune, the Venn Saskatchewan Fire Brigade and Marching Band, who were on their way to the Prince Edward Island Fire Brigade Marching Band Invitational managed to stop in time in the Island-bound lane, before they became caught in the comestible congestion causing the current Confederation crossing chaos. With all emergency units stationed on either side of the bridge being cut off by the enormous traffic jam in both lanes, the Venn Saskatchewan Fire Brigade and Marching Band were instrumental in saving the day.

They won’t top your the car with a double double, though

TIM HORTONS NOW OFFERING SPECIAL DRIVE-THRU SERVICES (PrT) Oakville, ON

Tim Hortons Inc., headquartered in Oakville, Ontario, Canada has announced that it will be offering hotel accommodation and vehicle refuelling at five hundred of its busiest drive-thru locations across Canada in order to increase customer convenience. For a small fee, customers will be able to enter a “hotel” lane, place their orders and blissfully sleep or engage in other practices, such as networking with clients on the already free WiFi connection at every one of Tim Hortons 3000 Canadian locations.

Customers will be able to place their order, put their vehicle’s transmission into “neutral” with the engine idling, and safely sleep, without fear of interruption until their automobile is tractored by a chain linkage up to the appropriate window with their order ready for them. While in this line, the customer’s vehicle will have an exterior wash and wax, with fluids checked and topped up if necessary. The vehicle’s fuel tank will also be filled free of charge with a specialty brand of Tim Hortons coffee.

They’ll do anything for fun in some small towns

YOUNG WOMAN GIVEN TICKET FOR SPEEDING ON TOBOGGAN (PrT) Fatty Basin, BC

A young woman was given a speeding ticket for travelling 73 kph in a posted 50 kph zone for sliding down the steeply inclined, snow covered main street of Fatty Basin, British Columbia on an Undead yesterday.

Buffy the Vampire Sleigher said that she will fight the ticket in Fatty Basin Municipal Court.

If not, Canada Post will surely take up the slack

SANTA MISSING: CANADIAN MILITARY LEADING SEARCH AND RESCUE EFFORTS (PrT) North Pole, Canada

Reports from NORAD (North American Aerospace Defence Command) have stated that in a pre-Christmas training flight exercise, one of Santa’s reindeer lost control and made contact with an escorting CF-18 fighter jet.

Radar quickly lost contact with Santa and his sleigh, and a massive search and rescue effort is underway by the Canadian military using C Company of The Loyal Edmonton Regiment (Yellowknife); 1 Canadian Ranger Patrol Group (Yellowknife); 440 Squadron (Yellowknife), as well as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police from G Division (Northwest Territories), M Division (Yukon) and V Division (Nunavut). Extensive support from local organizations is currently being co-ordinated to cover gaps in the search and to provide backup, should it become necessary.

Authorities are confident that Santa and his reindeer will be found in short order and that Christmas will go forward as planned without a delay or absence of gifts to all children on Santa’s Nice List.

The CF-18 that came into contact with Santa’s reindeer during the exercise managed to make an emergency landing at Iqaluit Airport. The pilot is reported to be shaken, but unharmed.